Office Training Video: Accident Prevention
by Red Witch
Summary: The best way to prevent an accident at a spy agency? Don't work there.


**There was an accident with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more fun and madness from my tiny mind while waiting for the new season to begin. It's taking way too long. So this is how I make the wait shorter.**

 **Office Training Video: Accident Prevention**

"I tell you a lot of these training videos y'all did are certainly entertaining," Ray said as he took a swig of scotch in Krieger's lab. "Disturbing but entertaining."

"Wait until you see this next one," Krieger said as the opening credits of the next training video were shown.

Then on screen came the title with Krieger's voice over. _"What can I do to prevent accidents?"_

A shot of Krieger at his desk followed. _"Here at ISIS, safety is our number one priority! But as we all know every now and then there are things that happen outside of our control. Like this."_

There was a shot of Archer firing his gun at the computer mainframe door. Of course the bullets bounced off.

 _"DAMN IT ARCHER!"_ Brett was heard shouting off screen.

 _"Oh, sorry Brett,"_ Archer said casually. _"Damn door…"_

 _"Or this…"_ Krieger's voiceover was heard again.

 _"WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_ A scene of Archer drunk and riding around shirtless in a bumper car in the office while shooting off a gun was shown.

BANG!

 _"DAMN IT ARCHER!"_ Brett was heard off camera.

"Oh right I remember the free range bumper car experiments," Ray blinked as he watched.

 _"Or this…"_ Krieger spoke off camera.

The scene then changed to the shot of Pam being held at gunpoint by the kidnappers who wanted Cheryl. They were shooting at Archer and the gang while the others were shooting back.

 _ **"OW!"**_ Cheryl yelled as she was shot in the arm.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger's voice was heard again.

 _"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"_ Cyril was trying to fight off a glowing lemur that attacked him. Krieger and Archer chased them both around with tranquilizer guns.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard speaking off camera again.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! RATTTTATTTTAATTTT TTATTTTT!

 _"I hate it when a stupid Cuban hit squad attacks the office before I've had my morning coffee!"_ Archer shouted as he was pinned down behind a desk with Ray and Lana firing back and Cyril cowering in a corner.

BANG!

 _"Damn it! I got shot again!"_ Brett was heard off screen.

 _"Well don't yell at me!"_ Archer barked. _"I'm not the one who shot you this time!"_

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again.

 _"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"_ A group of employees cheered as two unknown male agents were having a knife fight in the break room.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger said.

 _"WHOOOOO!"_ Pam was jumping around on what appeared to be a high powered rocket pogo stick in the office. _"This kicks ass! WHOOAAAAA!"_

The pogo stick went into overdrive and then jumped very high. Causing Pam to get stuck in the ceiling.

 _"Little help?"_ Pam was heard as her legs dangled from the hole in the ceiling.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard yet again.

 _"AAAAAAAHHH!"_ A female drone ran for her life from Cheryl who was chasing her with scissors.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again.

Cheryl wearing only her underwear and a bra was chasing around some drones in the office on all fours. _"AWWWWWWWWWOOOOO_!" She howled like a wolf.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again off screen.

It was a scene of Cheryl setting fire to a wastebasket cackling madly. And then breaking a bottle of alcohol into it so the fire grew bigger.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger spoke again.

The scene cut to Krieger's lab. Krieger was looking in a microscope. _"Kevin how are_ _those radiation experiments coming along?"_ Krieger asked.

 _"Uh….Not so good."_

Krieger looked up and saw an intern glowing green. _"Eh, you'll be fine,"_ Krieger waved.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger spoke off camera again.

Everyone in the office was sitting on top of desks. There were several cobras all over the floor of the office slithering around.

" _Who sends cobras in a friggin' basket of fruit?"_ Archer shouted as he prepared to shoot his gun.

" _The card says 'Hope you die soon, Barry…"_ Pam held a card as she stood on a chair.

" _Figures,"_ Archer groaned as he fired his weapon. _"Damn it! They're moving serpentine! How could they know how to do that?"_

Lana who was on the desk next to him gave him a look. _"Really?"_

" _Oh, right…"_ Archer realized.

" _AAAAAAAHHH!"_ Brett was heard screaming. _"I GOT BIT BY A COBRA!"_

" _Well at least you didn't get shot,"_ Archer snickered.

" _Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again.

An unknown male employee was at a drinking fountain. As he turned it on fire spurt out of it. _"AAAAAAAAAAAHH!"_ He screamed as his tie caught on fire.

"When was **this?** " Ray asked.

"Oh a while back," Krieger waved as the man on screen was set on fire. "I tried to put vodka and other alcoholic beverages in the drinking fountains. Didn't work."

"Obviously," Ray blinked.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again as two unknown female co-workers had a catfight in the bullpen, shredding their clothes and hair. Pam was taking bets in the background.

 _"Or this,"_ Krieger was heard again over the scene of Barry and Katya fighting in the office destroying everything in sight.

 _"Or even this,"_ A giant glowing komodo dragon was shown on camera as Krieger spoke.

 _"No one can prevent accidents a hundred percent but we can minimize our chances_ ," Krieger was shown again at his desk. _"In this video we will instruct you how to make your time at the office a safe time."_

 _"Let's start with one of the most dangerous places in our workspace,"_ Krieger said. _"Mallory Archer's office."_

"The lair of the dragon," Ray quipped. "Good call."

The next scene was of Mallory in her office. _"HOW INCOMPETENT ARE YOU?"_ She shouted at an unknown male agent. _"I knew I should have given Sterling this honeypot assignment! How hard is it to seduce a drunk woman? Even Gillette probably could figure it out!"_

 _"AAAAAAAHHH!"_ The male agent was hit by a vase that Mallory picked up off her desk and threw at him.

 _"Do you see the mistake Agent Hale made? Never stand too close to Mallory's desk,"_ Krieger instructed. _"And always be prepared to dodge thrown objects. Also, standing close to the door helps. As well as smoke bombs. To confuse people as you are running away."_

Krieger was shown back in his lab again. _"Another highly dangerous area is the lab. Other than myself only highly trained interns are allowed in here."_

The scene then cut to a shot of lab interns and several scantily clad women having a huge party. Archer was among them leading a conga line. Cheryl was letting the Choke Bot choke her in the corner. And Pam was making out alternatively with a male intern and a scantily clad female.

 _"Okay this was from a really kick ass party we had a while back,"_ Krieger's voice was overheard among the revelry. _"I want to say New Year's Eve. But I'm not really sure. Anyway there's a point to showing you this. Besides the fact that we have a lot of fun in the lab."_

A drunk intern was staggering around. He was drinking shots from several beakers. _"Love this idea of having drinks in the beakers!"_ He giggled. He took another drink. _"It's like we're drinking acid!"_

 _"NO! WAIT!"_ Krieger shouted. He was only wearing his underwear. _"That one really is acid!"_

 _"What?"_ The drunk intern blinked. Then he screamed. Right until his throat burned away and he died a very gruesome very painful death.

 _"Ooh,"_ Archer winced at the sight. " _That stain's going to be a bitch to clean."_

 _"Okay clearly labeling the containers correctly is also a good way to prevent accidents,"_ Krieger said when the camera was back to him. _"And I probably should have cleaned up from my experiments before the party started. That one was on me. My bad."_

 _"So the lesson here is don't chug chemicals you don't know,"_ Krieger said _. "Or if you really need to drink alcohol, drink it straight from the bottle. That's the safe way!"_

 _"Speaking of alcohol related incidents,"_ Krieger kept going. _"Always have a healthy supply of scotch, gin or vodka in your filing cabinets. This will not only help you get through the day, it will appease Ms. Archer if she comes over to berate you."_

 _"I find that a good bottle of Absinthe given to Ms. Archer will cause her to not only forget her anger towards you, but her ensuing blackout will give you an opportunity to get away smoothly."_

"That is good advice," Ray admitted.

Krieger was on screen again. _"It's always a good idea to be alert all the time. At any moment, someone could fire off a gun, or an animal could escape…"_

 _"Or a fire could break out!"_ Cheryl said as she was shown with a match. Near some chemicals.

 _"What?"_ Krieger did a double take. _"NO! NO! NO! WAIT!"_!

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

"Is that when you needed to remodel your lab?" Ray asked casually.

"Yeah," Krieger nodded. "Fortunately I had a big bottle of Absinthe I was able to give Ms. Archer."

"Before or after you hit her with the bill for remodeling?" Ray asked.

"Both actually," Krieger said. "I'm pretty sure she drank enough so she doesn't even remember the lab being remodeled. Including some chemicals that weren't exactly alcohol if you get my drift. Really should work on labeling things better in the future."

"The way she drinks I'm amazed that woman remembers anything at all," Ray groaned.


End file.
